How to Maintain a Strong Sense of Self in Relationships

Learn how to maintain a strong sense of self in relationships by living authentically, knowing yourself, avoiding people-pleasing, and building self-esteem.

Losing your sense of self

Do you seem to get swallowed up in relationships? Does your sense of self disappear when you’re in a relationship?

This “loss of self” happens, whether you’ve been married for decades or are newly dating, when the other person or relationship becomes your identity.

You become all about the other person. Your needs get sidelined while the other person’s needs and interests take center stage. You’re busy people-pleasing, trying to make him/her happy (regardless of your own feelings), and are reluctant to speak up about what you want or need.

So, you focus on your partner and don’t stay true to yourself.

You stop pursuing your hobbies, seeing your friends and family, and you defer to what s/he wants.
 

Dependency is healthy; codependency is not

Instead of being “Mary”, your identity becomes “Mary, Jim’s girlfriend” or simply “Jim’s girlfriend”. This feels good, especially during the intensity of the beginning of a relationship.

In fact, this obsessive quality is quite common in the early stages of newfound love. It’s not healthy, however, when it’s one-sided; when your partner isn’t equally interested in giving and pleasing you.

You may feel you’ve willingly made these compromises. Or you may not have even noticed that you were giving up parts of yourself.

This has probably been a pattern that’s been repeated in relationships your entire life and you may not have had a strong sense of yourself, to begin with.

Or your loss of self may be related to your partner’s jealousy or manipulation. In other words, you feel pressured to give up parts of yourself and fear that your partner will leave or reject you if you aren’t the perfect partner.

These can all be signs of codependency.
 

You can maintain a strong sense of self in relationships by:

• Knowing what you like and what matters to you
• Asking for what you want, rather than always deferring to his/her wants
• Spending time with your own friends and family
• Pursuing your goals
• Staying true to your values
• Making time for your hobbies and interests
• Saying “no” when something really doesn’t work or feel good to you
• Spending time by yourself
• Not keeping yourself “small” or hidden to please others

Why you need a strong sense of self

What do you imagine will happen if you keep yourself hidden in your relationships? Will your resentments grow and fester? Will this be a satisfying relationship long-term? Will you miss out on achieving your goals? Will your health suffer? Will your friends and family miss you? Will the world be deprived of your unique gifts?

Inter-dependence or healthy dependence involves two complete individuals who come together to support each other. From this inter-dependency, you develop trust and safety that helps you navigate the world, but you’re not reliant on the other person or the relationship for your identity or self-worth.

In secure relationships, partners support each other in pursuing their own interests and other friendships. They aren’t jealous or demanding. Couples need time together and time apart. In other words, loving, trusting relationships are important, but they needn’t overshadow YOU.

©2018 Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Originally published on PsychCentral.com.

The Self-Love Guided Journal

I created the Self-Love Guided Journal to help you rediscover who you are, accept yourself – imperfections and all, and learn to treat yourself with kindness. It includes reflective questions, journal prompts, inspirational quotes, and a healing meditation to help you develop positive thoughts and feelings about yourself. Find out more by clicking HERE.

Dr. Sharon Martin

Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW is a psychotherapist and writer specializing in codependency recovery. For the past 25 years, she’s been helping perfectionists and people-pleasers overcome self-doubt and shame, embrace their imperfections, and learn to set boundaries. Dr. Martin writes the popular blog Conquering Codependency for Psychology Today and is the author of The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and The Better Boundaries Workbook.